The past several weeks have made it evident that the conservative economic agenda has been ruling the roost in Washington. The Tea Party had the rowdiest microphone, and if you thought it was too loud, you were a traitor, a communist or both. Under no circumstances they would have kept you as their Facebook friend.
In consequence, several high school dropouts decided to “take our country back” from the extreme right, and form the Coffee Party. The charter was written in a hurry, as a Facebook note; no time was left checking for spelling errors—“We take our coffee black and strong. No milk, no sugar and No Compromise,” because “We, the people, hate low taxes. The Tea Party calls for no more taxes on the rich; we call for a rate equal to 100% on this filthy bunch. We strive for sizeable membership, but we adopt the Tea Party’s unwritten rule—you will be disqualified if you have studied or practiced economics, or even if you took an Incomplete in Economics 101. If you did, you represent the elite; you think too logically; your ideas are not original, since some experts have already stated them. And you may even be an intellectual; shame, shame shame…”
The coffee party did not pick a single leader. They picked two—a recently married gay couple, Bob and Clarence, who were in the process of adopting twin Muslim boys from Pakistan.
In their first rally in the New York Village, Bob took to the microphone, proclaiming the coffee party’s manifesto.
“We, the people, (yes, we are the people) demand the ouster of this capitalist president. Mr. Obama has tried to impersonate a liberal, but we have uncovered the truth. He is not an illegal alien; he is not a secret Muslim, nor is he a secret communist… He is not a real pure Black man either…” Bob took a deep breath, let out a long sigh … “Mr. Obama is a secret White Republican from Mississippi.”
The crowd burst into thunderous applauds. The loud noise masked one mousy woman’s call for hijacking the Democratic Party. She would try again when the air cools a bit. A bouncer named Chicko from the Union came up with a slogan, “Welfare is the name. Taxes is the game.” The crowd loved it; they kept rapping it in a bouncing rhythm for seventeen long minutes.
Bob turned to Clarence, his hoarse voice electrocuted by the excitement. “Take over, my lover; tell them,” he said.
“They say the budget deficit is too high,” Clarence lectured. “I say, let it go higher. They say ObamaCare is bad; forcing everyone to buy health insurance is unconstitutional. We agree it’s bad; it did not go far enough; force them to have it… free of charge. They say budget cuts spawn economic growth; we say, only if a McDonald’s four-times-daily Big Mac fries and soda makes you lose weight. They say Keynesian economics is European logic. We say, let’s replace it with Asian logic like the one revealed by Mao Tse Tung.”
The steady rain was getting more intense. It was about to turn into a sweeping thunderstorm. The crowd was dispersing, looking for cover at the nearest McDonald’s. Clarence grabbed the mic for the final time. “They convinced S&P to downgrade us from AAA to AA+; we will do even better,” he yelled. “Once we take over, S&P will have no choice but to reverse their decision. They will take us all the way from AAA to WTF.”
The thunderstorm turned into a devastating tornado. Bob and Clarence were sucked up by the wind, then dropped to their horrific death, ending their campaign.
On CNN, Michele Bachman announced, “It was God’s punishment. God is Great…God is obviously a Tea Party Republican. I know because he talks to me,” she confirmed. “Not only these two weirdoes were gay; they were liberal communists who thought they represented the people. May God bring more justice…May God bless the Tea Party…Allahu Akbar.”
Really? All the way to WTF?
US troops definition of Taliban
The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor, one of them sent this.
"YOU MIGHT BE TALIBAN IF ..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bar e hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
Muslim Britain are set to begin a three-day strike in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas alone was awarded an annual bonus of 25,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from a shed somewhere in the West Midlands , where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
"We sympathies with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that...it's too much to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will put down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using explosives from the waist down, in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
in Further talks will be held.....